I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
