Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
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