Swine flu. Run for my life!
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
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