I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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