the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
