I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
