Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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