i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
