i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
