I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
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