Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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