I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
