Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
