If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
You have to summon your inner elephant
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
