did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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