Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
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