i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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