Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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