Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
