theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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