It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Randomize
