Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
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