She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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