Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
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