i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
She just used a chaser for red wine.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
