you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
