Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
