I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
