Jerry, you need to find god
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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