God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
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