the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
