can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Randomize
