Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Randomize
