There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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