you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
