are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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