Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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