he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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