i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
