My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
