non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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