at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
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