I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
My brain says no but my pants say off.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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