My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
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