remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
