Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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