If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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