So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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