MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Randomize
