jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
