I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
