Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
