how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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