so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Bring me that man meat
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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