Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
