Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
