he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Randomize
