Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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